New Beginnings

http://www.redbubble.com/people/elox/art/2951230-2-spiral

So here I am. At 23 I am the biggest I have ever been and hating it. While you may sit there and think

"well tough - you ate yourself stupid and ended up this big, deal with it! Lose the weight!"

Thank you Captain Obvious, I know that. I'm not here to bitch and whine about how its not fair that I'm fat (yes I'll use the 'F' word as it seems to be publicly and politically incorrect to use it, screw it - I know what I am - embrace it fatty fatties!). I'm here to report my successes and failures because one of my problems is that I never hold myself accountable when I slip and sometimes there are a lot of things that are just plain hard to talk about. Maybe there are some overweight people out there that read something I say and think "Yes, me too. OMG I've never heard anyone talk about this before." Or maybe if you are a nice healthy size and you're reading this, please don't be too nasty and judge - be thankful you have never dealt with some of these issues.

I don't know about anyone else but I'm damn sure I'm not the only one that does this. One day you find yourself in a situation where you think "that's it! The diet starts tomorrow" and the next thing you know, you've ordered a large pizza and devoured that, a litre of coca-cola and a very big serve of ice cream. 'One last meal'. And if you're anything like me after you're curled in a ball of pain because everything in your stomach has combined to create something that I can only assume is similar to napalm exploding inside you do you regret what you've eaten. You're in and out of the bathroom all night and swearing to never do this to yourself again. You get half a night's sleep, sleep in and skip breakfast, have an extra coffee at work (while still battling with your stomach) and before you know it the intention of going on this great new diet 24 hours ago is out the window and you curl up that night in your pj's eating pasta.

I've lost alot of weight before and put it on plus more. I'm sick of so many things. I'm sick of feeling like crap day in and day out. I'm sick of feeling uncomfortable on a night out. I'm sick of being told I have a beautiful face (said with a pound of pity). I'm sick of my feet hurting all the time because the poor little things have to carry so much weight every day. I'm sick of back pain, I'm sick of discovering new little injuries that happen oh so quickly and are only caused because of my weight. I'm sick of worrying my family about my health. I'm sick of the fact that if I get much bigger I won't be able to wipe my own ass. I'm sick of not having the energy to enjoy ANYTHING. I'm sick of being depressed. I'm sick of beating myself up over everything I do and punishing myself for every screw up every day. I'm scared I won't be able to be the person, wife and one day mother I know I can be.

No. NO MORE. Raise your glass - To the Death of the Fat Lady