New Theory

I've had a week.

It's been really strange not having a job to go to but it is the best thing for me right now. Still hasn't stopped me from getting upset about anything and everything. Tired of being upset. Pushing through because I have to. I want to improve my own quality of life so I can be a decent employee. Not one that brings loads of baggage that can't be shed around business hours. I not I am intelligent. I know I have potential. I am just sabotaging myself constantly. When I'm ready and I little more settled and stable I will pick up university when I left it.

On another note I've come to a realization. Big for me, not surprising for you if you have read previous posts.

I have finally told my immediate family about everything, the surgery, the depression, the job, everything. How long I've been hiding it all. Needless to say they were a little shocked and I was surprised and humbled by how supportive they were. Not judgmental as I had convinced myself they would be. I then realized while opening up to my siblings that in my past when I have opened up to someone it has ended up in disaster. I was tormented in school and it was by 'friends' they would pry my secrets and use them to bully me. After a while I shut myself off. The closer you are to me the more I would shut myself off. Those I love have so much more power and ability to hurt me if they know too much. I can tell a stranger something and have them turn around and make fun of me and I wouldn't care. I have experienced way too much hurt so I protect myself. Even my best mates commented on this a few months ago on holidays. Their concern was that although we have been friends for years, they really don't know me. That's the way I like it. I get so anxious when I open up to someone, waiting for the bomb to drop and for life to become hell once more. It was really difficult to open up to my family but I am glad I did it. I have issues with trusting people and now is the time when I should be able to trust the ones that I know love me.

I start my pre-surgery diet tomorrow. I haven't spent all weekend having 'last meals' which I am thrilled about. Only 2 weeks to go until I go under the knife. I'm not nervous or excited. I don't want to get 'excited' about it because it's not just about the weight loss. I don't want to get caught up in the weight side of it and the expectation that I'll be happy if I'm skinny. The surgery is just another step in this whole process of getting healthy.

Opening up - The Fat Lady

Secrets and Lies

When I was a little girl I told my friends my secrets. As all you g children do when they swap their stories. I quickly realised what a mistake this was. For the majority of my years, especially during those vulnerable adolescent years, those I trusted and confided in quickly turned against me and used my thoughts against me. Once I revealed my vulnerabilities they used them to humiliate and torture me for years. From this I now am very hesitant and unlikely to let much go. The closer you are to me the less you know about who I really am. I listen to your problems. I try to be a great listener because your problems are easier than my own. Nobody has tried to help before they've just used the information as ammunition. If you're a stranger it's more likely that I can tell you my life story because I don't care what you think. Your insults don't hurt. But if you are lose to me and I love and care about you, the. You have so much more power. You have the ability to crush me. I have to protect myself against this so I don't tell you anything. Instead I lie and I gloss over things that upset me or just refuse point blank to discuss why I'm hysterically crying. 

I know I need to work out how to trust my friends and family. I know they care about me but at the same time I tell myself they don't. I know they would never hurt me. I've thought that before. I've been hurt by my own family and insulted and put down. My existence and my weight problem has caused a family rift because one stood up for me while another defended their nasty attack.

It's been a tumultuous few months. In deciding to pursue the option of surgery and commit to it has brought everything I've been repressing for over a decade to a head. I'm struggling in every facet of my life right now. I've since lost my job because my mind is simply not in the present. I move and react slowly. My highs and lows are more frequent and more severe as times moves toward the date of the surgery. I'm seeing my therapist weekly. I didn't anticipate the mental side of this to affect me like it is.

I want it to. I want it all to come forward so I can sort it out and put it behind me. I'm drowning in it right now. It's beyond overwhelming.

What more can I say - Fat Lady

Last Meal

It's now under a month until I have my surgery. Yeah I think I may have missed notifying you that I'm having gastric bypass surgery. SURPRISE! When I'm in a reflective mood I'm sure I'll rehash the thoughts that got me to that decision.

So my therapist has explained to me that a typical thing people do before starting a diet is the 'last meal syndrome'. Thinking that it's the last time they're going to have that juicy last burger or creamy pasta, they indulge and indulge and end up giving themselves and extra few kilos to work off when the new diet kicks in. With this in mind I have made sure that I don't do that. My hubby is home at the moment so I've just been cooking nice healthy home made meals since he has to put up with camp food for the next 4 weeks.
The thing is..... he leaves in two days and I know I have exactly 2 weeks before I start my pre-surgery diet. I've already started thinking what my meals could consist of since no one will know if i sneak some delicious bad food in.
Seriously what am I doing? I had an awesome meal the other night and all it consisted of was some steamed veges, some chicken and a bit of soy sauce. It took me about half an hour to eat because I ate it with chopsticks and I enjoyed every minute of it. I wasn't trying to have a 'good' meal, I just wanted something light because I had just been thrashed at the gym. Yet today I still managed to sneak in an easter egg. It was gross. I didn't enjoy it at all (was a good brand too) but I still finished off the sucker. C'mon - I can do this! I am better than this!

I think I can, I think I can - Fat Lady

From TTC to Birth Control

So after I got married a few years ago, my husband and I decided that we would stop using birth control and see what happens. After about 9 months, nothing had happened and we weren't too concerned. After all, I wasn't tracking my cycle and he works away so he is only home every few weeks or so. We decided to actively try to conceive, which was still difficult with his work schedule but we managed to time my ovulation right with him being home a few times. A year and a half later nothing has happened. Every time my period was due I would analyze everything I was feeling, cross referencing it against pregnancy symptoms. There was one time that I was over a week late with no period and then it came and was full of small clots. I never tested positive on a test so I doubt I was pregnant. Every month, the same heartache. 

As I have now decided to GO AHEAD with gastric bypass surgery I have had to deal with a very bit spanner in the works. No children for 12-18months. In the blink of an eye (or a series of appointments with GP's, Surgeons, Dietitians, Physiologists, & Psychologists) I have made a decision that has turned our plans 180 degrees. Now I welcome each period (which then decides to come late just to heighten my paranoia). I'm terrified of the thought of accidentally falling pregnant now before surgery. Or after. 

Now I am on the quest once again for birth control. It's not as easy as it used to be. When I was younger and I started dating, I was on the pill and when I started having sex, we used condoms. However, since then I have discovered that I am allergic to latex (bye, bye condoms. Yes tried latex free - no way!), I don't want to use anything that will hinder my fertility (if I am fertile at all) in the future, so we can start trying again as soon as we are ready. So the injection is out. The ring is out because with my size I can't see how easy it would be for me to self insert that every month. The pill is an option, with 3-6 months to wait before my body will restore itself and then there's the marina, which is a procedure that the doctor has told me will more than likely be quite uncomfortable as my cervix would be quite tight as I haven't had children yet. I'm concerned.......... No that's not right - I'm shit scared that the pill won't absorb in my new little stomach pouch thingy and IF my weight has been the only thing hindering me falling pregnant, as I lose weight my fertility will increase.

Can't they hurry up and get something on the market for MEN.

I'm sick of forking out money for all these appointments! 

Someone help me make a damn decision.

Overwhelmed Fat Lady.