New Theory

I've had a week.

It's been really strange not having a job to go to but it is the best thing for me right now. Still hasn't stopped me from getting upset about anything and everything. Tired of being upset. Pushing through because I have to. I want to improve my own quality of life so I can be a decent employee. Not one that brings loads of baggage that can't be shed around business hours. I not I am intelligent. I know I have potential. I am just sabotaging myself constantly. When I'm ready and I little more settled and stable I will pick up university when I left it.

On another note I've come to a realization. Big for me, not surprising for you if you have read previous posts.

I have finally told my immediate family about everything, the surgery, the depression, the job, everything. How long I've been hiding it all. Needless to say they were a little shocked and I was surprised and humbled by how supportive they were. Not judgmental as I had convinced myself they would be. I then realized while opening up to my siblings that in my past when I have opened up to someone it has ended up in disaster. I was tormented in school and it was by 'friends' they would pry my secrets and use them to bully me. After a while I shut myself off. The closer you are to me the more I would shut myself off. Those I love have so much more power and ability to hurt me if they know too much. I can tell a stranger something and have them turn around and make fun of me and I wouldn't care. I have experienced way too much hurt so I protect myself. Even my best mates commented on this a few months ago on holidays. Their concern was that although we have been friends for years, they really don't know me. That's the way I like it. I get so anxious when I open up to someone, waiting for the bomb to drop and for life to become hell once more. It was really difficult to open up to my family but I am glad I did it. I have issues with trusting people and now is the time when I should be able to trust the ones that I know love me.

I start my pre-surgery diet tomorrow. I haven't spent all weekend having 'last meals' which I am thrilled about. Only 2 weeks to go until I go under the knife. I'm not nervous or excited. I don't want to get 'excited' about it because it's not just about the weight loss. I don't want to get caught up in the weight side of it and the expectation that I'll be happy if I'm skinny. The surgery is just another step in this whole process of getting healthy.

Opening up - The Fat Lady