Secrets and Lies

When I was a little girl I told my friends my secrets. As all you g children do when they swap their stories. I quickly realised what a mistake this was. For the majority of my years, especially during those vulnerable adolescent years, those I trusted and confided in quickly turned against me and used my thoughts against me. Once I revealed my vulnerabilities they used them to humiliate and torture me for years. From this I now am very hesitant and unlikely to let much go. The closer you are to me the less you know about who I really am. I listen to your problems. I try to be a great listener because your problems are easier than my own. Nobody has tried to help before they've just used the information as ammunition. If you're a stranger it's more likely that I can tell you my life story because I don't care what you think. Your insults don't hurt. But if you are lose to me and I love and care about you, the. You have so much more power. You have the ability to crush me. I have to protect myself against this so I don't tell you anything. Instead I lie and I gloss over things that upset me or just refuse point blank to discuss why I'm hysterically crying. 

I know I need to work out how to trust my friends and family. I know they care about me but at the same time I tell myself they don't. I know they would never hurt me. I've thought that before. I've been hurt by my own family and insulted and put down. My existence and my weight problem has caused a family rift because one stood up for me while another defended their nasty attack.

It's been a tumultuous few months. In deciding to pursue the option of surgery and commit to it has brought everything I've been repressing for over a decade to a head. I'm struggling in every facet of my life right now. I've since lost my job because my mind is simply not in the present. I move and react slowly. My highs and lows are more frequent and more severe as times moves toward the date of the surgery. I'm seeing my therapist weekly. I didn't anticipate the mental side of this to affect me like it is.

I want it to. I want it all to come forward so I can sort it out and put it behind me. I'm drowning in it right now. It's beyond overwhelming.

What more can I say - Fat Lady