It's nearing the end of my two week stint on my pre-operation diet. 600-800 calories a day. Water only. I did slip up two nights in a row - I had 2 Salada crackers with margarine. I don't feel too bad about that, it was either stale crackers or KFC. I've stopped watching television because of those nights. I think I watched the new add for the new KFC dippin' bucket about 8 times during one movie. I wanted it so bad. Basically for the last two weeks I have been living meal to meal, desperately waiting for the next shake or soup to make it's way to my belly. I've been incredibly depressed over the last month, dealing with the same issues of everything I have repressed for the last 10+ years overwhelming me. I'm working through them. I think once I am in hospital I will feel a little more relaxed.
I keep getting asked if I am nervous or excited about the gastric bypass surgery. I don't really know how to answer that. It's normally followed by a comment on how much weight will I lose and how quickly? I'm not actually focusing on that. I know it will come off. I know I have to keep up with the dietitian's recommendations and I'm scared about vitamin deficiency so I will be doing everything I can to make sure I am getting what my body needs. My focus is still to get my mind working together with my body and to set myself up so I'm not sabotaging myself anymore or crying for no reason. I want to feel strong and confident, not pretend to and fall in a heap whenever I am alone. I think the lack of worry and attention I am showing towards the surgery is confusing people. Too bad. I'm working on my health, not the weight loss (although I'm sure I'll get pretty pumped as I notice changes within my clothes). I'm over the focus always being on the weight, not the health.
My Grandmother asked me yesterday about a wedding I am in next year, then elbowed me and said with a sly kinda grin, "you better lose some weight before then!" I sighed and replied, "that there. That is not helping me. I know that I need to lose weight, you know I know. Why draw attention to it to make me feel bad? What good comes from pointing that out?" She was a little surprised but saw my point. My family has had this attitude towards anybody's weight for a long time. I'm more than willing to stand up and make them think about what comes out.
Anyway, I will update before I go under the knife and when (if) I wake up after the procedure.
1 day 18 hours and 57 minutes to go.
Waiting for my next (maybe last) meal, The Fat Lady.
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