Options

It's only Wednesday.
How. Utterly. Depressing.
What a scandalous, vicious, depressing, misguided, drama filled, exhausting, emotional, draining week it has been so far.
Over it. Over it. Over it.
I spent the majority of the night trying to control my hysterical crying so I didn't start hyperventilating, while I was trying to control this I had some pretty dark thoughts wander through my mind. They are currently making themselves at home, settling in for a long stay. These guys really work well with the Fat Lady. They're like an obese couple stuck in their recliner lounge chairs, surrounded by food, watching reality TV and judging and criticizing everything (because they are experts of course). A happy, healthy and fit version of me is wandering around the room like a neglected child. It's just not strong enough to stand up to the others, but continues trying subtly to improve life as she knows it. Sometimes the obese couple manage to remove themselves from the TV and disappear for a while, then thechild gets to sneak control of the TV remote for a while......... but the others aren't far behind.

I didn't get to where I am by food magically slipping into my mouth with no control. Somewhere along the line I let the negative take hold and overpower the positive.

So what are my options? I'm not stupid. I know I am the one holding myself back from getting healthy. I know the last time I lost 25kgs I felt awesome. I was happy, rarely negative. The diet was restrictive and when I re-introducted other foods I put the weight back on plus more.
Its a vicious circle. I struggle to stay positive and upbeat, I eat. If I restrict myself to a diet and commit to it, it works for a while and when I slip, even the smallest amount, negativity takes over again and I fail completely.

Perhaps it's time to look at other options that are out there. I've booked in to see a bariatric surgeon. Maybe gastric bypass surgery is an option to explore. It can't hurt to see what else I can do. What I am doing isn't enough and I can't do it alone. That much is clear.

Until the next drama, 
Contemplative Fat Lady