Overshare

Ew. Gross.

Sorry but I'm going to over share a little bit today. I'm going to talk about the little things that frustrate the hell out of overweight and obese women but no-one talks about them. The things that you wouldn't even think about or take for granted that anyone would be able to do without a problem.

1. Wiping your arse.
Yeah gross, jumping right in there. Seriously at my heaviest this was an issue. I was eating heaps so I had to 'go' a few times a day and the whole process was like in impossible aerobics exercise. Hold breath, suck in tummy, twist, lean to the left, sit forward, stretch right arm, success. Repeat process until clean.I knew if I got any heavier I would have to shower after each toilet break and I REFUSED to let that happen. Shed a few kilos and everything was peachy again.

2. Inserting a tampon.
Might as well start of with the gross stuff - it will get less disturbing as I go along. Another aerobic exercise. I carry a lot of my weight in my stomach. therefore I have to reach OVER my stomach and try and get everything in the right position while squatting (or on the toilet). If I don't stretch and move exactly right, I can never get it to sit right. Not comfortable. Not practical. you bet I'm already letting the PMS fly so this just makes me more of a bitch on sore and swollen feet.

3. Sex.
There's just things my chunky booty can't do. Positions I can't move into. Sometimes there's just too much extra me around my own legs and stomach. Doesn't stop me doing anything and we have had to be inventive sometimes but, there's always things I'd like to try or things I know I'd enjoy more is there was simply less of my body in the freaking way!

4. Crossing my legs.
something so simple. So femine. This is ANOTHER aerobic excersise. Sit up straight, relax left leg, suck in stomach, move left ankle to the right, lift right leg over left leg, try not to let it slip, clench legs together, engage core to help, hold breath. continue clenching everything while taking shallow breaths. It's just not worth it. It's not comfortable. Instead I get to look butch and sit with my legs apart. Yay. No I can't just cross my ankles instead because my legs are big all over. My knees are hidden somewhere but there's about 4cm of lard on each leg on either side of it. That gets bigger the further up my legs you inspect. Squeeze knees together - max effort to compress fat on thighs. It's pretty solid stuff - it doesn't appreciate being squished and moved like that.

5. Having a bath.
I'm a huge fan of drawing up a nice relaxing bath. Candles, bubble bath, wine and a book. Love it, love it, love it. However it's not as much fun as it used to be when you fill up the whole bath. I can never fully emerge myself in the water, boobs and belly tend to always get some surface air. I can actually pull the plug and stay sitting and the water behind my back doesn't move. I'm like a giant fleshy dam for my bath water. Don't get me started on the effort it takes so slush around in the water to get my hands on that stupid little plug and pull it out. Heave and reach, missed, let water stop splashing and try again. Heave, reach, grab hold, lose grip, swear, run more hot water and stay in bath for another 30 min then try again.

6. Getting in a small car.
So a lot of my friends have small cars. It doesn't matter if I'm in the passenger's seat or in the back - I seem to overflow. It's not the sitting that's really the problem. There is no way to get in or out gracefully. Everything ends scrunched up, awkward and uncomfortable. Oh I long for the opportunity to slide lovely legs out and emerge like a celebrity at the Oscars.

7. Sitting in a booth.
No booth is shaped correctly for any person with excess arse. It's the most uncomfortable thing to sit in. Twice as hard when you are short and can't push yourself back up with your legs.

You're welcome to add to the list........
I think I'll be fantisising about a visit from the fat fairy tonight. One of these days I'm sure I'll wake up 65kgs (143lb) lighter.

Peace. Dreaming away, Fat Lady.